Fourteen years in 600 words

There is a deep, sad longing in my heart.

In 2003 God showed me my passion for public speaking. I was very excited as I imagined traveling, speaking to thousands, hearing wonderful accolades, signing books and making enough money to quit my day job. What a life!

Not knowing how to start on this path I asked God. He showed me it’s not what I want (recognition, money) but what HE wants that is important.

Everything I dreamed about I had to give up… to let God in. I had to be ok IF all I wanted never happened. That day was heartbreaking. As I cried, the word “IF” gave me hope. It could still happen. IF speaking success came it would be because God opened the doors. IF that happened my work would be blessed and used for His Kingdom.

Fast forward to 2013. My speaking is not “taking off”. Why is God taking so long? I’m wasting my life. If I wasn’t a wife and mother I could be so much more. My family is preventing me from all I can be. I was loosing hope.

One day during tearful prayer God put a mirror in front of me and said, “I have given you everything you need.” In the reflection I saw who was to blame. Oh.

I breathed deep and asked, “Ok, Michelle, why aren’t you doing anything? I’m afraid. What are you afraid of? Change.” This was an epiphany. I really didn’t want to be traveling the world thinking about hotel check out times when I should be home thinking about who to pick up after school. Being a successful speaker I would miss what God gave me originally, my family. I agreed and accepted this. The sting of unachieved dreams faded a bit.

Today, it’s four years after that epiphany and 14 years after my speaking revelation… FOURTEEN YEARS. I’m feeling a bit desperate. I LOVE my blog but I’m starting to wonder if God even has a speaking plan for me. Why would he put such a deep desire in my heart to make a profound difference in this world but give me a life that contradicts it? I want to get rid of this nagging desire and forget my discovery. I can’t. It’s part of who I am. It will never leave me.

After writing the above, I read all the following over the next couple weeks:

“God gives us gifts because he loves us and wants to give us real, tangible evidence of that love.”

“…think about something that you consider yours… Now imagine dedicating it to God, even to the point of allowing him to take it away from you. It’s a difficult concept, but it can help us discern when we may be trying to possess something instead of offering it to God.”

“If you’re in an ‘ordinary’ season of life, he reminds you that the Spirit fills and forms us through humble tasks and everyday faithfulness.”

“The enemy wants to tell you that your current situation is evidence that your future will be a failure…”

“God never makes a promise he won’t fulfill.”

Wow. Once again my God speaks to me when I am losing hope. Once again He does not condemn but reaffirms His plan for my future. Once again He shows His love for little ol’ me and my little life. Amazing isn’t it? That God would not only speak to me but have a plan. He has a plan for you too. Know that He will fulfill His promise, but in His time. Now, I just have to read what I wrote here a few 100 times.

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